Of fathers and children

Who is my daddy? I froze. The question is re-asked. I decide to say nothing. I keep quiet dead as a dodo. Is it Uncle Msai? More silence. This battle is not going to be fought today. I refuse to answer knowingly and behave like am dumb. The grown up I am has been cornered by a 3 year old. Imagine that.

I have had this conversation in my mind severally. Also with my elder Sister and Cousin on several occasions. I think I was just looking for reassurance for someone to tell me it was going to be okay when the question came.  While asking for advice is easy, taking it is not. Despite having been told what to do by those with prior experience I still tried to ask some more and read as much as I could on children and absent fathers. The truth is I was looking for how I could simplify the process and that no one would be left with any bitter taste in their mouth.

I was never ignorant to the fact that the question was coming. I knew for sure the day was coming but still I prayed it would delay. In fact sometimes I wished it could delay for a decade plus years but I guess God knew better. Sadly for me it came earlier than I had thought. Once Angel started going to school I knew sooner rather than later it would come. 

I am not one of those who advocate that children should not be taught about the nuclear family of mother, father and 2 children. Far from it, I don’t mind it and am not in any way affected by it. For in all truthfulness all children are sired by a mother and father even if it is via a test tube. The back end of whether the mother and father are living together is a different matter altogether and has no connection with the child’s(ren) well-being. 

The community I come from is the butt of many jokes that stem from the fact that many of our people don their mothers name’s as their surnames. It is especially funny if the person in question is a man. Well the explanation given by a majority is that if the Father doesn’t want to be a part of the child’s life why should they use their name? Again to get a birth certificate and identity card requires that you produce the identity cards of you mother or father or both for the names to be adopted. If the Identity card of the father is missing or he is unwilling to provide it, I guess they decide to just do without it.

A good friend of mine went home when she was just about to deliver. Her mother did not know about the pregnancy until that day. She was shocked to see her daughter pregnant carrying suitcases, but like most mothers she knew her daughter had come home to roost. After the pleasantries the open minded mother asked her daughter. ”Na huyo mwingine ako wapi”? (You know who she meant) Sijui was the answer she got and her daughter was unwilling to divulge any further information. My friend would later tell me all her mother said was “Kwani alikuwa conman anakuacha hivyo?” The man was never to take responsibility even as little as acknowledging the child was his then doing nothing about it. 10 years later the man has never even taken initiative to find out whether the child was a boy or girl.

See, a number of men have the kind of amnesia that deceives them that pregnancy does not result from unprotected intercourse. Or in clearer words, if you have unprotected  intercourse two things are likely to happen to the lady she will either  get pregnant or not. I mean the results from the act cannot be flowers, butter or shoes etc. It’s that simple. A number of women also have the amnesia that deceives them that pregnancies are shared. Or in clearer words, if you get pregnant it will be you as a woman who will carry the pregnancy the man has a choice on what to do. So let us get it clear the person who has a chance of escaping from public glare of what he has been partaking is a man. A woman will ordinarily have no choice of escaping unless she takes other measures. So unless you don’t intend to be a parent please take precaution and do not leave it to the discretion of the other party. It is your life.

Then comes the case where everything is in order and both parties are willing participants and are aware of repercussions and responsibilities arising . Then for some reason one party decides to jump ship (For purposes of my story the person who jumps ship is the man). Stranded the lady has carries the child finds herself alone. To fend for her child(ren) alone.. You know you have offspring but you are not bothered. Far removed from it, your life is on business as usual mode. To imagine that you are not mentally ill, handicapped, sick or dead what possibly could be going in your mind?

 

Every time I ask people whom have abandoned their child(ren) why they would do such a thing, I always get the weirdest of explanations. Their mother is too rude, she is too lazy, she hurt me, she deserves it, she had seen it coming blah blah blah. Get yourself together man. It’s a child we are talking about not a pet. How can you not want to love, train, discipline, and mentor, provide and do all those things that appertain to parenthood? The bible says such a man is worse that an infidel. I agree fully. 

Since I can’t get a proper answer to why sane man cannot be there for his child, the question becomes complicated to answer. But it has to be answered. You start by telling age appropriate truths (Lies are really never worth it) of the situation. It is a very daunting task as children take longer to understand. Children also look at things in a very simplified manner- after all they are children. When and if ever the appropriateness of life allows they shall meet. It takes absolute soberness (I dare add God’s grace) to allow one’s child(ren) to make an opinion of their absent parent. To understand from their position without your input and to choose whether to forgive their other parent or not for their shortcomings.

I repeat for emphasis: it really does take God’s grace and gallons of restraint. Hence am in Episode three, Season two of explaining this story to Angel. I hope I answer the question satisfactorily.

Sojourner.

I recommend Dad is destiny by Simon Mbevi. A good book.