My daughter, dearest.

My daughter I tell you to watch out as you look for someone to settle with. It is a life long journey; you should take it more seriously than you took your education. 

The way to a woman’s heart is through her ears.  Period. If you genuinely affirm, acknowledge, accept and adore a woman you will never go wrong with her. She will shine like the summer sun and treat you like the King that you are. The converse of that is that you build a woman who is resentful, spiteful and disrespectful.  She will make your life a living hell! Ensure you get a man who knows how to build you through your ears. Listen to what he says and ensure you hear what they are saying and listen even more to ensure that they mean it. Some have perfected the art of saying things that can only be equaled to mirages. And to add insult to injury they tell many women at the same time. Be wary of them, the same way you would be of conmen or pyramid schemes.

I know you have been told all men are dogs. Please forget such myths. No subset of our population is the same otherwise God would not have bothered to create so many of them. Men are of different characteristics as there are stars in the sky, both good and bad. Some bark, some slither, some crow, some croak and some bite.  Be careful of those who bite and have the nature of biting everything they come across. The will live you with a heart ache, sometimes with a child or worse with a disease. Whatever the case use the discernment we have bestowed upon you over the years and choose the right ones. 

My dear daughter let me tell you something about men that you are unlikely to hear often. When a man wants you he will do anything to get you. It doesn’t matter the cost, if he needs to cross the Tana River despite its crocodiles to get you, he will. And the more noble his cause the more he will be propelled to get you despite the cost. I know the media today tells you to make it easier for men that it’s old fashioned to let a man wait. What hogwash. A man who genuinely wants you will wait patiently for 5 years or more to get you. Don’t be easy and scared that if you don’t agree soon he will leave you. It’s okay if he leaves you. It clearly means he wasn’t meant for you, you also don’t know what God is saving you from.

Trust your instinct. You know that feeling, that something is right, that you are headed somewhere in the right direction? Keep that gentleman who keeps you in that mindset. And keep checking that the feeling remains . Run away from he who makes you feel any inclination to danger. And sometimes common sense should prevail before instinct. If a man picks your calls at a certain hour or sees you on certain days when it is only appropriate to him what in God’s name are you doing with him? He is obviously engrossed in something else. There is always a telltale sign when things are going south. Keep it simple and do not be flagger basted by love which you might discover many years later could have fooled you.

A man with no character, manners or courtesy is not worth your time. He will expect respect from you which you will not accord to him because he has not earned it. Run from him .He will in future raise children who will become a menace to society. There is no recourse for bad behavior. A lot of our brothers for their lack of manners hide behind clothing, religion, money and fame. Do not be deceived by such feeble things in the end they count for nothing.  Live life in such a way that you never have to watch over your shoulder for who will be coming after you and yours because of the errors of your husband.  

My daughter, I have always taught you the importance of time. The two things God gives indiscriminately to all humans is time and chance. Do not be one to mess with what can make or break you. Unless genuine (not the normal traffic or rain problems) never wait for a man more than ten minutes in a place especially if you are just getting to know each other. Pay your bill and go. As my generation Y friends would say “Ashana naye”.  I hear of stories in our times where people have been engaged for 8 years waiting to marry. Well, I am not an expert or anything, but how is that for time usage? If you went to the university would you take eight years to decide which course you want to graduate in? But again, I am not an expert on such matters but I retaliate use your time wisely. A worthy relationship is a lifetime investment give it its due attention.

The only man who can read you mind is the son of God, Jesus Christ. All other men are mere mortals and are clueless on your non-verbal hints. To be honest a lot of our sons don’t regularly engage the left side of their brain. Hence, have no capacity to remember those special dates including your birthday, anniversary, the first time you kissed (I don’t know who gave you permission) among others. Never mind he knows the world cup fixtures by heart. To save yourself from serious heartaches, trouble, discontentment and more non-verbal hints, Please remind him your birthday two weeks in advance. And if he dares to ask you what you want, dare him back with equal measure.” I want a fixed deposit of 5,000,000/=”. I assure you he will remember that day like the back of his hand. So whatever you want, whatever you want to say or what you want him to do for you go ahead and tell him. That’s the only way you will be on the same page for a long time.

Take everything everyone says with a pinch of salt. When you narrow down to your object of fascination do a proper background check. Google his name and see what it brings forth. You don’t want to settle with a man who posts nude photos of himself on the internet among other things. Check what name is generated by true caller- Maxwell the drummer, Kirika the stripper, Wanjohi drunkard, Otieno deni, Muruthi drama queen e.t.c. He has not acquired those nick names for nothing. Talk to his friends, his colleagues and family and especially his mother. Now, whatever his mother tells you, take it with a handful of salt. If she thinks you are a good catch, be sure she is doing free advertising for her son. She will not say even one small ill of that mortal man with numerous skeletons in his closet. So smile and thank her and them for the information   but use it discreetly.

The first cardinal rule of successful marriage is that not everything is to be blurted out. Secrets must be kept, refer to the story of Samson and Delilah of the bible, the secret was to be kept but the woman was evil and the man paid with his life.Those women in your investment group and saloon who praise or bad mouth their men are actually speaking in parables. Unless they can repeat the same information in the presence of their spouses it is all not true. The things people do for sympathy, pity and affection. Guard your man’s reputation seriously like you would yours. Do not go telling everybody how he chews loudly, he is a night runner, what noises his stomach makes e.t.c. Shield him from public contempt. Those women talking are still shielding their men do not be lured into displaying your dirty linen in public. Even I do not want to know that your husband is afraid of water or that he can never kill a rat. Please deal with it and be full of decorum while at it.

A woman should master one hobby whether it’s dancing, sewing, knitting, jogging or whatever. She should keep at it all her life. This is one way of keeping one’s life balanced and especially so when the children come along. You should pursue your hobby passionately and learn all there is to it and don’t stop it when you meet your other half. A lot of women get married and think they are joined to the hip with their spouses they start crowding the other person space (including their hobby). Breathe in girl; he will not die if you are not together for an hour. It will give you time to refocus and rejuvenate and to get in touch with the rest of the world. Don’t kill your interests or important friendships unless they are detrimental to your union this are the things that have brought you this far.

Super woman is a cartoon character. Please let her remain there. Those magazines and books I see you reading that tell you that you can have it all at the same time are lying. You must know what will take precedence over what and when. When you go home forget about your corporate power. Sometimes (One out of ten times is allowable) you will have a bad hair day, your otherwise disciplined children will test your parenthood to the core, you will have acne, the sole of your shoe will break during the presentation to pitch for the job of the year for your organization, your house help will leave your children unattended and switch off her phone. This and many more things are going to happen. It is called life. Be gracious to yourself. It happens to even those women layered with foundation on magazines who tell you how easy it is to be superwoman. Learn your tempo and run your own race, marriage and motherhood is not for all. No matter how much pressure you undergo if it is not your portion- say No. Live your life.

Finally my daughter, forgive yourself for all the things that have befallen you, whether you contributed to them or not. Forgive yourself for having a crush in Standard 6 and behaving funny to that Standard 8 boy. You didn’t know better. When you meet him in that networking meeting and he wants to scatter, catch him before he does .Call him by name and greet him warmly as your smile reaches your eyes then move on. You will have just earned fresh respect from him. Forgive yourself for being flat footed, having a big bum or a small bust and all other things that God created in you in a specific way. And if you gained too much of anything including weight it is your business to lose it.  Forgive yourself for dating jerks along the way, for your father and father figures failing you and for your mother who was not always there. In other words carry no baggage to your new aboard. Travel light and be gracious.  

Love yourself dearly and learn to listen before speaking. And above all, keep God close in your heart and consult him often. Love both with your head and your heart. You will enjoy life thoroughly.

Always,

Sojourner.