A real man is one who…………….

A real man. Who is this? This question has done several rounds in many different circles endlessly .The conclusion has been and especially in Kenya that there is a shortage of such. But the question in most cases asks of a good man. I choose to call my good man a real man, mainly because” good” has that benevolence moralistic feeling. That is not a true measure of the behavior of human beings. Please note for the purposes of this article man means male i.e. they of the lineage of Adam- he who was created first by God in the garden of Eden-.

A real man is the mirror of society. In my own thinking the major problems of the 21 century have been created by men refusing to stand up and being counted. Young men now even plait their hair! They are so used to their mothers since they do everything for them to the extent that they want to look like them. I sat with a group of young men who had been recently initiated and you would get shocked at what they told us. Mark you they come from a home where both mother and father are present. This particular 15 year old tells us his mother cooks, organizes what is to be cooked, drops and picks them from school, buys their books and pays their fees, takes them to church, buys their clothes, does everything including teaching life skills to them. We asked what his father did. He muttered something under his breath…….”he walks around.” Then we get shocked when they start piercing their ears and wearing jewelry. To the young man even God must be female.

A real man is one who has humane manners. Towards his parent’s family, own family, colleagues, friends, associates, waiters in a bar, street children, stray cats and dogs, all members of society and so on and so forth. In other words he is not one to go kicking his wife, child or cat because life is unfair or he is stressed. A man must have good manners like all other human beings should. He must ask politely for things; please give me water, please iron my shirt, please pass my drink. The hogwash that since a man is inherently selfish and parochial and especially so in our African context and hence has a right to step on every body's head and toes needs to end. Leaders don’t step on their followers shoulders, they carry them on their own shoulders to take them to great heights. 

A real man is one who provides for those who are around him and especially so his immediate family. My grandfather would ask (Ni muthuri uriko ucio winukaga atakuete kindu? Edaga gutugwo noo?)Loosely translated to,” Which man is this who walks to his home empty handed? Who does he expect to welcome him?” It’s unbelievable to hear of a grown up man who does nothing of himself but sleep, eat and watch television. Severally and especially in this generation, we hear of men who don’t want to work, don’t want to take care of their children and their responsibilities. A man who is 40 should not live inside his father’s house unless he is physically,mentally sick or disabled. It should be a curse if he went forth and married a wife and sired children while in it. I can already hear murmurs; these women are just gold diggers! Please don’t be mistaken. Provision is a spectrum of things including protection, leadership, wisdom, security (when there is a bang don’t send your wife to check, do it yourself), priesthood, spiritual, emotional, financial among others. A lot of men genuinely provide for their loved ones without ever earning a wage. A real man must be willing to step up to ensure his people are comfortable. Mkono mtupu haulambwi.

A real man must have values and morals. He must believe in a higher being, that somebody is greater than him. A man must know that the world despite all its evil must be lived with some character. Integrity, discipline, truthfulness among other virtues must be learnt and passed on to ones children. What you sow is what you reap and that no matter how many times you are made aware of short cuts and cutting corners that eventually they become very long and painful corners. And as the good book says” As a man thinketh so is he” so if your thoughts are full of evil and malice so are you. And please don’t tell us she came on to me, she was dressed suggestively, she kept blinking, I was far from home, it was cold and all manner of other things-it doesn’t matter- you cheated and cheating is not a chance it’s a choice. A real man will know when to say no or yes and move on.

A real man does not aimlessly go breaking girls (women) hearts. Actually the reason a whole lot of women are bitter and vengeful is because of men. Don’t tag a girl along for a year when you know you are seeing someone else, are hitched, are not interested at the moment,  are on the rebound and you can’t even remember her name. For heaven sake leave her alone-she will cry but she won’t break she will survive and fight another day. But some of you do it shamelessly for years on end! And if you get that special one, treat her so, surprise her with the genuineness, goodness and kindness of your heart. And don’t tell her I said so, but if you do this things;boy, you don’t know what will be coming your way. Even Angels in heaven will smile. Quickly go and trash that emotional , mental, verbal and physical abuse that you have been practicing in the dustbin..Stop blackmailing and short changing those girls let those who need to go, go. Those that need to be kept do so. Treat them with utmost care. Hold and cherish them like China porcelain. Love them like Christ loved the church that he died for it.

Finally, a real man is just that a man. You are 35 years what is this you keep referring to your mummy for? I need to ask mummy, mummy needs to give permission, will she agree? Shame on you ! Stop tiring your mother and move on and especially so if you have a wife. Please let your mummy baby her husband. The drinking and other substances MUST have a logical limit. At 35 years and there was no party or function what on God’s earth were you doing in the club on a random Tuesday till 5.00 a.m.? The bar was literally closed and you were the only patron and you continued drinking even after they closed. Somebody should shock you with a high powered electricity cable. Those things actually kill, liver cirrhosis and potency among others are actual diseases. And have some dignity don’t go swearing and shouting unprintables everywhere. A real man will not dorn colored cutex or red pants(unless he works in an industry that demands this), will not be caught gossiping for hours on end or idling doing nothing.

A real man will stand up and choose to be a leader to guide, protect, provide and move the human race forward. He will pursue what the Lord put him on earth to pursue. Persistently and passionately.

Sojourner,

Pardon my Kikuyu spelling-I am trying to learn how to write the language.

Do real men exist?  Yes they do. In my short life I have met both extremities those who are walking pictures (they were better off hanged on a wall to be admired only) and those who are the REAL deal. If you search diligently you will indeed find one.

A real woman coming real soon.