Divorce Granted

Kenyan courts are wooden. Everything is made of wood other than the Judge’s chair which is cushioned and covered in red colour. By the way, the court looks in every way as it does on Vioja Mahakamani .The last time I was at the high court, the matter I was attending to was in the Judge’s chamber. That was an office this was THE Court. We were 5 of us: the judge, clerk to the court, my lawyer, his protégé and myself. It was a cold day; it had rained like hell earlier in the morning. There we were in the court room, doors shut for absolute privacy. The case was unfolding.

If anyone had even jokingly told me I would have gone through a divorce in my early 30’s my answer would have been a plain Bullshit. No, it was unlikely to happen to me. I had done the proper premarital counseling; I was a prayerful person (I am using my own yardstick) and I had put in a good measure of effort and anything else to ensure my marriage worked. If you went ahead and told me I would be a single mother in my lifetime my answer would have been, no way; am not that kind of a person. I had done everything that would mitigate that from happening. Shock on me both happened before I turned 30!

Divorce is a very intriguing matter. Most of us have no inkling about it. We find out about it when we or a close associate are going through it. When I started my long journey I tried to gather all the information I could about divorce. Before my own experience all I knew about divorce is from what I had watched in Divorce Court that was aired on TV many years ago. I knew no one in my whole family including the larger extended one who had gone through a legal divorce. Those who had opted to leave their husband’s/wive’s had just walked out since they had not solemnized their unions under the law. 

Scanty information is available on Divorce among the Agikuyu (I am a member of this community) people on the internet. I had to get the information from a friend’s grandmother (God rest her soul in peace).While it happened even in our culture it seems not to have been an everyday occurrence hence the little information available. As I researched more about it, I learned even in the wider African culture divorce was a serious matter and rarely occurred. When it did, something mega must have happened and there was no other possible way of resolving the matter other than the parties parting ways. 

As for our modern Kenyan law, the first glaring observation is how pro-marriage it is. It is unbelievable. You cannot have a divorce before 3 years have lapsed since the solemnization ceremony. You cannot also collude with your partner to part ways under the law. When matters divorce arises there must be compelling evidence that there is no other way of resolving the matter, that that is the last and only solution. The courts also ensure absolute privacy of the parties’ identity hence you will not find names put up in the law courts corridors. The aggrieved party bears the burden of legal fees. And to be clear, some of the law firms in this Nairobi are from Jupiter. The quotations I got to open”a file” with them would cost me the same as buying a quarter of an acre of land in Mlolongo! I tried pro-bono services at Fida- this was impossible to maneuver. I mean by the time you got to their offices at 8.00 a.m. in the morning, many other faster Kenyans were ahead of me in the queue. The law firm I settled for were helpful (As helpful as a law firm could get) and the senior partner/counsel is very serious about his practice. He went through the modalities of the law and towards the end of the conversation gave me two very valuable pieces of advice:-

1)      Divorces can be dirty (Mine was not), and draining. Take it slow. It will eventually end. And if you haven’t, go for counseling until you heal (This I had done long before).

2)      Ensure your daughter has a father figure she looks up to whether it’s your Daddy or brother. Ensure that she has an alternative father no matter what. Your case has nothing to do with her.

I raised my hand to swear that I would say nothing but the truth. Everything came back to me. Here I was alone. The day I did my wedding more than 500 people were present. Parents,  relatives, friends, clergy and gate crushers. Here I stood alone. Four strangers and I . And I was saying it was time to finish the journey I had started a few years ago with a separation. And after a long time, I became emotional. I wanted to tell the judge, that I had kept the faith and finished this race. It felt exhilarating. Judgments are made after hearings so I went home with no judgment.

Divorce/separation complicates friendships especially for the light hearted. Most people don’t know what to do or where to stand. Friendships are used as bargaining chips. In cases where women integrated themselves into their spouses circles and did not keep in touch with their own friends, they wake up one day and find everyone took sides and since they were his friends they went back to him who they knew first. I remember one friend (sic) during my earlier years of separation who did not talk to me for months. She was scared her husband would reprimand her for communicating with a woman who had guts to “walk out of her marriage”. I laugh at such childishness’. I mean is divorce a contagious disease? Is it to say that the woman did not have a brain of her own to make a decision without me influencing her? Interestingly, her Spouse is a good friend of mine. 

Relatives also don’t know what to do. I find it odd that grownups are unable to distinguish right or wrong. I mean, if someone did wrong it doesn’t matter whether they are your brother or cousin it is wrong. Acknowledge the mistake, the person does not stop being your relative there is a God given blood bond. This is also true for parents; we must be able to distinguish between the person who does wrong and their wrong doing. Only then can you make a logical conclusion of anything. Taking sides does not help. Parents of all ages must also give proper direction to their children. We must be involved (differentiate with interfering). Hence the saying that parents are a child’s second “god”. 

My decisions have elicited all manner of judgments and conclusions from many people. Once in a while I get asked a number of questions that I need to answer for all and sundry. Please don’t ask another divorcee or anyone else going through a divorce the following questions. We have answered them a 100 times over.

1)      Did I leave because he cheated? No I did not leave because he cheated. And the cardinal sin a man/woman can commit is not cheating. There are other worse things.

2)      Did he beat me? After answering Question 2 above this is normally the next question. No, he did not physically abuse me. Never ever, I suspect he knew better.

3)      Did I know I would go through a divorce? If I knew, do you think I would have done a wedding in the first place? Of course I didn’t know. No one goes into a wedding with the intention of getting out.

4)      Do I regret? (Seriously?)Yes. Relationships are massive investments. Regret, bitterness, anger, hatred are present. There exists a very thin line between love and hate. When crossed an inferno is likely to happen. That is why I spent a good chunk of time in therapy.

5)      Would I consider going back? Now, now read between the lines. I will leave you to decipher that one.

6)      Do I advice others to get a divorce? Do you know how hard it is to go through this process? Maybe if I knew what I was getting into I would not have started. But every relationship is unique and individuals are unique find a solution that suits you. I am neither a counselor nor a lawyer. Look for the right people to help you.

At times I have doubted myself even when I seemed strong. I wore a strong face to keep off Doubting Thomases and negative energy. I needed all the energy that I could amass to get through the divorce. Some moments were so tough I felt like walking out of my own life. I mean, where could I get a father for my daughter? Who would protect me and Angel? How could God put me in this situation? What possibly did I do to end up here so young? When this questions rang in my mind I felt dizzy, I felt like running mad. I cried until I could cry no more. I read every single self help book I came across. I listened to Joel Osteen, Onstabil, Joyce Meyer, Daughters of Zion and any other motivational speaker I could find.  I kept running from everything. I read Veronika decides to die by Paulo Coelho and for a moment I dreamt I was her. This turmoil would happen at night then in the morning I would drag myself to work and go through the motions of life. I would look at my daughter and feel my heart crushing to a never ending abyss.  The mountain looked too large for me. I would meet someone and they would tell me what a strong woman I am. I would put on my plastic smile and nod. They had no idea what I was dealing with. Luckily, God gave me time and grace and what blessings they were! I came out of it even stronger and much wiser.

It has been a five year journey since my separation culminating to divorce started. When I look at it logically it was the best thing I could do for me and my daughter. So when my lawyer called me to inform me that the judge had granted my prayers, I did a little dance. Everything with a beginning has an end. I can shut the case for good.

Cheers. 

Sojourner.

If you are not sure whether you ought to marry someone or not, dont do it then. Give the idea time to marinate then decide.