What do we carry from love?

A couple of weeks ago I met a friend who had been married for 10 years and was now recently separated. Though the separation had been looming in the horizon for a while I never thought it would actually happen. I thought she was obsessed with the notion of leaving without having enough willpower to do it. There was too much to lose by leaving. Then she left- as in she packed her children and possessions and walked out of ten years of investment in a marriage. That was something-shocking. I think because the idea had been marinating in her mind for long she took it well. She has an amicable relationship with her ex-husband.

We were having coffee with her and she did not even once talk bitterly or ill about him. Oh, some women are so strong and full of character. Then I asked her a question that I ask most people I meet after their breakups. Other than the children and memories what do you have to show for the 10 years you have been together? She kept quiet for some moment as is expected racking her brain. I randomly throw in a hint of a musical instrument, necklace perhaps a hand written note? She tells me in our digital age that they took one(Just 1) picture together after a function they had attended-that’s it. They had never done a family photo shoot. She couldn’t come up with something else.

I later deeply thought about that conversation and felt saddened by the situation. 10 years later and only one photo seemed unfair. Most of us will assume that memories and children are good enough evidence of the 10 years. Some of us will even assume that I was asking about huge material things-they will be very wrong. I like comparing this scenario with the organizations we work for or businesses we have created. You can easily say I bought this or that as a result of being employed or undertaking business. Such that you can narrate a story to a complete stranger and they will identify with what you have as a result of those undertakings. Not so with our close relationships (especially in these times where we do not write letters on paper) - all we have most of the times is narratives.

I knew my friend was a great lover of jewelry. She had amassed many pieces over the years be it rings, earrings, necklaces name it. She loved wearing them and she looked glam. In fact if I needed to buy her a gift for whatever occasion jewelry would be my first choice without much thought. This gentleman after living with her for ten years had never bought her even one pair of earrings. The kind she could hold on and even tell her grandchildren many years later- these were bought by your grandfather for me many years ago. It could act as a reminder that he went through her life- a kind of celebration that even it didn’t work out in the end but the ten years were a worthy investment. Why didn’t he buy her earrings?

Why don’t we leave the people we have loved with something to show for it? I wondered in my friend’s very old age and her ex-husband was no more would she show one photo to account for 10 years? I posed the question to someone else this time a man who estranged with his wife several years and children later and had nothing to show from her but her telephone number and the memories in his head. I asked him if he suffered from a condition that got rid of his memory what would quickly bring to mind her presence in his life ? He had nothing from her not a book, a music tape or a musical instrument.

I relooked at my life and the people around me and thought that the world is indeed an odd place. Humans do not take relationships as seriously as they ought to be taken. Maybe we take too little consideration when ending up with a particular person over others. Maybe we don’t value ourselves much hence have no value of the time we dedicate to others. That we have hidden our deepest desires so as to maintain status quo. We want things not to be disturbed. 

No matter how bad a relationship was, the bottom line is something kept you there at that point in time. What was it? The fact you both loved music, the theatre, sushi, books, clothes whatever why not get your partner that thing? Sign it off beautifully or even have it engraved. Allow for the time you have spent together to have something special to show for it.

And if you are in a relationship now and I pray that it always remains so get the other person something so that even if you are away from them or no more they can look at the watch you bought them and they think of the good you have brought in their life. 

And in no way am I saying only physical things make us remember the people and hence my reiteration of memories. Am insinuating in addition to them we need something we can touch, see, hold, smell and show another. It is a beacon of sorts in the maps that make our life’s journey.

Sojourner.