The little relationship lies....

Am in the hospital filling forms with a lady friend who marks on her form single but her next of kin is a man whose relationship to her is spouse. Am in a girls’ meeting where one of our friends swears she can never ever host a man in a house and will never get married. Men are such dogs you know. It’s in the month of April, in Octoberr she gives birth to a boy and the guy who breaks the news to us is her Husband who has been residing in her house we later discover. A young man has been constantly hanging out with this lady, drives her car, they cook and eat together and generally cohabit (not in a brother sister way). When you ask them separately whether they are dating the boy says no, the girl says yes. And true to the boys word he stops talking to the girl one day out of the blue.  The girl will never discover whether theirs was a relationship or not. Am baffled with our relationship statuses.  I mean, you are single, married, separated, divorced or widowed (wer). Not the in between. Shouldn’t the answer be a yes or no?

I think marriage is the most abused institution this side of the Sahara. A couple walks into a function holding hands they look like they are from visiting the sun. I mean that radiance could have come from nowhere else. Never mind they haven’t spoken for a month. Another couple stopped any intimacy and sleep in separate bedrooms for years but wait until you hear the lady giving stories in a Bridal shower about intimacy-wacha tu! I remember I once met a lady who wouldn’t say what kind of plans they had with her husband. They hadn’t agreed on the number of children they wanted, which schools they would go to, where they would reside, what were their priorities e.t.c. They lived parallel lives where they converged in the evening to eat and sleep in the same quarters. In other words they were strangers (roommates) sharing a house and sometimes were connected by children and nothing more. If you asked one about the other they would have absolutely no idea. Others want to keep their marriage a secret from other people. How confusing is that.  I like to call them “transmarriages” that is single people trapped in married situations.

Another strange phenomenon I hear of often – a (wo)man kills themselves and their significant other and sometimes another person because their partner cheated on them. I mean, get a grip. Sometimes (especially women) we play naïve to our surroundings. Please be sure and you can take this to the bank, every human on earth is a mere mortal made of flesh and blood. (S)he can err in behaviors for whatever reason. People will lie and cheat on you, they will physically beat you, they will emotionally and psychologically torture you, they will not keep promises, and they will break your heart among a host of other vices. You must know these things exist in the realm of humanity. They are errors in judgment enacted by humans; you need not condone them but understand they happen. Don’t kill yourself because of another human being. When you are told your man was seen with another Madam in a situation that suggests more than godliness put your antennas up there and put your intuition gear on. Like a wise woman keep your mouth closed then observe, you will come up with only two possible conclusions-action needs to be taken or not. Keep in mind human beings are made of flesh and blood none can cast the first stone so don’t be fooled.

A married woman visits my house and starts giving me stories on how single people enjoy their lives. She goes out to spell out how much simpler and enjoyable it is when one is single. Like seriously. I have never understood that logic. It’s like me telling a man how good it is to be a man. If you are married act like it and live like it. You made a choice and stand by it stop living a lie and in your imagination. Don’t go telling other people (especially single one’s) how marriage is so miserable and not worth any investment. How you wish you were single yet you don’t walk out of yours. That is just wrong. Sometimes I listen to women saying how miserable their marriages and are waiting for their husbands to leave as they themselves can’t leave. Ha ha ha ha how laughable this is even worse than those who say they stay because of the children. We are creatures of comfort. How do you expect a man to leave a situation where every evening he finds warm food, clean and ironed clothes, bed made and generally a good organized life? Even I wouldn’t leave. So let me break this sad news to you, unless you are really a bad woman no man is going to leave life’s comfort to go struggle out there on their own. Am sorry and stop bad mouthing marriages you married people.

You met in a drinking den or jobless corner. Both of you enjoyed drinking till you were soaked in alcohol. You enjoyed waking up with Bae on Sunday after Friday binge drinking. You were jobless and watched movies all day and night long. You were mtaa idlers at the base. Then one of you for some reason decided to get serious and kick the bad habit away completely. Now you want the other person to become your Siamese twin or shadow to think like you and want to be you.  All of a sudden judgments start: you drink too much, you need to get a job, your breathe stinks, your friends are lousy people, you waste too much money and time on alcohol and so on and so forth. Pttsssss, you have forgotten too fast. You were in those trenches yourself. If you have decided to leave them, move on and forget what you had there. Otherwise live with it and pray that one day it changes. Unfortunately, and we are mostly NEVER told you CANNOT CHANGE another human being. It is that simple. You can only change you. The rest is something you leave at God’s door for divine intervention. 

The English said if it smells like a dog, licks like a dog and looks like a dog, it is a dog. The warning was out there. Everyone told you touch at your own risk. Caveat emptor-buyer beware. Ukaona wewe unajua sana. You ignored, roho ikipenda imependa ukasema. Wacha nikuambie mpanda mchongoma kushuka ndio ngoma. Use your two ears to listen keenly to what you are told. By the way most of us know when we are courting fire. We know when we are almost getting burned. We don’t like learning from other people’s experiences we want to be the experience. It stunk like a dog and it bite you. Now you have rabbies……………………It was a dog.

Finally, lying unnecessarily to cover the other person’s back makes sense but not in all situations. When a lie starts sounding odd even to your own ears it time to let it go. When you start lying to your own self it’s time to drop it like its hot. You sleep in your body and live with your mind. That man you have been financially supporting who has no job has no job. No matter how many times you tell your friends that something is coming they all know, you are lying-He isn’t looking and it is not coming. See that girl you cohabit with and say it’s just a temporary girlfriend-Honey its been two years and boy you are even legally married by law. And young man you see all those girls you lie to, those whose time you waste because of their ignorance- Mmmmhh , karma is really cold blooded she will catch you , squeeze you and shake you over. One girl will get you and revenge on behalf of all the others. Nature has a way of balancing things just because it hasn’t caught up with you doesn’t mean it isn’t coming for you. I have severally said if a human being is determined to get something, nothing will ever stop them from getting it. If you find yourself in a situation where there is no inclination for determination, just know, you have been punked!    

Coming soon love vs submisiion.

Sojourner.