There is no use of reminding
anyone that valentine is the day after tomorrow. Villa Rosa Kempinski has
beaten me to it. The “gods” also colluded with a number of human beings and it
fell right smack on a weekend. A chance for a weekend getaway. This day has
become a big deal in Kenya it’s almost as big as Kenyatta day. We request our
(un?)Honorable members of parliament to petition to the president to make it a
public holiday(we don’t work on that day). It might just grow our local tourism,
right? Since everyone has Valentine’s Day in perspective this year, I wish to
bring you the characters who will be involved in its drama.
Clueless
A good proportion of our population
resides in Utopia. They are out of this world. They have no idea what goes on.
The 14th of February will come and they will wonder aloud “where is
there so much red displayed in the supermarket?”. They will conclude generally,
perhaps the heat we are experiencing thanks to global warming is reduced by use
of more colour red. If you date a man who wears a pin stripped suit that costs
a 100 grand paired with white sneakers worth another 10 grand-he is most likely
in this group and at the heart of it. Please forgive him for his clueless and
this day has no bearing on him, he will not spoil you. It’s not his thing. Move
on.
Clueless group is made of people who have
spent too much time reading, researching, singing praise songs, trying to
understand the species known as woman and who epitomize perfection, senior bachelors
and bachelorettes.
Team mafisi/mahungu(hawks)
Many years ago a friend taught me
a lesson he deemed very important-man who feeds a cow and ensures its
productivity most of the times is not consulted where its milk ends up. And so
are team Mafisi and Valentine Day. These characters have no intention of
treating anyone on this day. They are waiting for you not to treat your girl/boy
well and when s(he) is crying due to your ignorance they will pounce on them.
Never mind you have been treating your partner well for years. They mostly likely
have forgotten the hole they drilled in your pocket over Christmas. Team Mafisi/hawk
(they are mostly male) have been looking at your girl very keenly from a bird’s
eye view. He is waiting earnestly for your blunder so as to enjoy the spoils.
Be very worried of this manimals. They coincidentally have very good
conversation skills, are blessed with good timing, dress well and generally sell
themselves for a premium price (overpricing). Among their worst traits is that they
hunt for fun and hunt continuously. They have no plan to stay and are likely to
devour and destroy anything they touch.
Team Mafisi group is made of people who had
crazy childhoods, height issues, weight issues, ego issues and general human weaknesses.
Terrible human beings.
Pretenders
These are the category of people
who are waiting to feign illness, flat tyres, system failures, brokeness,
amnesia, kidnappings e.t.c. on that day. Anything to make the person who is
waiting for them believe that Karma met them and spoiled their day. They will
come home drunk or sick; go straight to bed due to the pounding headache. Pole
sana if this is your partner.
Pretenders group is made up of misers,
conmen, old school (wo)men who have no inclination to Valentine’s day and
generally the below average romantic person and people who call themselves
entrepreneurs yet they don’t buy or sell anything.
Actors/Show-offs
The great lengths people will go
to ensure others think highly of them. I sympathize with especially the ladies
who will buy themselves flowers, lingerie, chocolates and have them delivered
to their work premises for purposes of show off. They just want the rest of the
female community to envy them! I also pity the girls who will sponsor their boy
in their dream Valentine’s venture so as to fit in. And the worst of this group
is those who borrow or steal to take a 2,500/- USD flight to the Mara-C’mon get
a life. They want to be the most talked about couple this side of the Sahara.
Actors/Show-offs group is made of people who
had crazy childhoods, height issues, weight issues, ego issues and general
human weaknesses. They are a finer version of team Mafisi.
Private developers.
Now, now, now have you seen those
advertisements(packaged as special offers) doing rounds ? Some in USD, others
in unimaginable figures that are absolutely obscene to print here. Truth be
told, they are fleecing you. Close your eyes and remember six or so years ago. Valentine’s
Day was a day on the calendar with just a picture of a fat boy with an arrow
running across his heart. These developers have colluded with the media to
finish us financially. Caveat emptor-buyer beware. If someone doesn’t love you
at all, not even a pickup of roses will change their mind.
Private developers are all those
organizations and people who are part of our capital society their one and only
mantra is to maximize profits. They don’t see you, just your money.
Special Joe and Mary.
These are good human beings. They
love their partners all year round. They treat them well 9/10 times. Remember
birthdays, anniversaries and all other important dates. And when they forget,
they apologize graciously from the bottom of their hearts. They make love look
so beautiful and easy. On this day they will buy a thoughtful gift and will
make the day count. Not because the world expects it, but because they want to.
As they sleep, they will be covered with absolute love and friendship. Of all the
groups of players this Valentine’s this group will have the least but most satisfied
people. The paradox that is life.
Special Joe and Mary are people who have
thrown all precaution to the wind and decided to commit and pursue love passionately
and love those they have wholesomely. They have no inclination to be loud but
go about their business with the humility of God’s beloved.
Whichever group you fall in this
year, I wish you well. Enjoy Valentine’s.
Sojourner.
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