To tell or not to tell?

In line with the duties assigned to me at my work place, I sometimes attend court hearings. At 8.00 a.m. on this particular day am at the law courts awaiting the matter I have interest in to be tried. As usual with the Kenyan system and culture the magistrate in charge of the court starts his day at 8.45 a.m. There are mentions and then rulings from previous hearings and finally hearings of new cases.

Our case as expected is not the first one, but am intrigued by our judicial system and hence I sit and listen to the other cases. The court arrangement is totally as is presented in Vioja Mahakamani. Sometimes I think that this local law drama is actually done in a real Kenyan court room. Kenyans are the most hilarious people from lawyers, defendants, plaintiffs, prosecutors, policemen and witnesses. So I opt to sit down and listen to the proceedings of the cases going on before ours is called to the dock.

The case going on is of a lady who has sued her (ex) husband who she alleges married her fully knowing his HIV status but did not deliberately disclose to her this information thus infecting her. As usual with family issues it is filled with mega drama. One of (ex) husband’s witnesses was his mother who claimed (bogus lies and unjustifiably defending her son) did not know about his status though he was on antiretroviral drugs. She continued that “he took them as a precaution”. The mother in law must be so simple minded that she did not consider that the lady could have been her real daughter. I wonder what she would have said then. Since the matter was sensitive, the Magistrate kept on warning the parties to stop making snide remarks at each other which did not seem to work at all. The matter went on but a crucial witness did not make it to court and some more evidence needed to be presented hence it was pushed forward to another day. From my own feeling the lady was taking this man to task as to why he had not chosen to tell her the truth.

A story is also told of a lady who had been dating a senior manager at an organization for over three years. Despite this gentleman having crossed the 45 year mark plus more claimed he was single. He treated the lady extremely well and she lacked for nothing both financially and emotionally. On their second year of dating they often visited the gentleman’s home. The man’s mother was to die for she was very kind and homely. She made her comfortable. 

This lady gets a call at their reception; Lucy from Eldoret had come to see her. She couldn’t remember having booked an appointment with such a person or any dealings with such but she decided to go nonetheless. The lady was not familiar but she beckoned her kindly to get them some privacy to enable them talk. They stepped into an eatery nearby. Curiosity killed the cat and my lady had to know what brought this elderly woman to see her. Lucy introduced herself to the lady, she was a teacher and had three children and had been married to a certain man for 10 years. 

The man had in the last two years had abandoned them and stopped providing for the children or herself. My lady interrupted and asked Lucy why she had come all the way to give her life’s story. Was she a con woman? Wanting to get some money from her? The woman smiled though it did not touch her eyes. She removed pictures from her handbag; wedding photos and the family photos. This was her sweetheart’s family. She could not believe her eyes. They talked a little more and then exchanged numbers since she had to go back to the office. Shock overcome her but she exercised wisdom, a few weeks later she got into her car and drove to Eldoret and met Lucy at her home. They talked for hours and saw the pictures and home, it was without doubt her senior bachelor prince charming was married and had three children. It w as absurd, nobody had ever mentioned before Lucy. She could recognize some of the women she had met when she visited her boyfriend’s upcountry home. Didn’t she deserve to know? 

I remember a friend once telling us expressly in a gathering of friends that she wouldn’t want anyone to tell her if they caught her husband cheating. As she said that everyone just nodded in agreement but it was an open secret her husband had been cheating for years, nobody had ever gathered the wits to let her know. It was a paradox. A bit like when you need to tell another that they have become alcoholic, or their weight is not okay, or their children are social misfits, or that your marriage is not working or you need to change jobs among other things. And then there is the old saying that what you don’t know won’t hurt you. But is that true? What if the HIV infected lady had known earlier do you think she would have made the same decision? And do you think the other lady would have wasted her 3 years dating that man?

Our biggest fear in revealing the secret is how it will be taken and what happens to the bearer of the news. Self preservation it is called. Our affinity to maintain status quo is normally higher than that of saving the future. Most affected are women who are so protective of those they deem to love that their reasoning is illogical. And most times they turn on the bearer of news sometimes ending life time friendships for being told the truth.  Most men on the other hand will take it like men, they will do what needs to be done but will not severe links with the bearer of the news.

The question still remains to tell or not to tell?

I have told mine, have you?

Sojourner.